Neighbour

“I am convinced that my neighbour is spying on me! I am absolutely certain of it. All the evidence that I’ve gathered throughout the past several months has led me only to the conclusion that he is tracking my every movement, broadcasting it over the internet for thousands of people to point and laugh at me for. I am not some kind of joke, Mrs. Sarafume! I honestly know as a matter of fact that sinister bastard next door is spying on me behind my back! I just have to catch him in the act.”

“Don’t you think that you’re making too much of this Ragshaw? I mean, you’re jumping to some hasty assumptions here!”

“No madam, I’m certain of it that I am certain to be alive. I have mounted two hidden camcorders fixed on his bedroom, two trained on each exterior end of the house, and I planted a secret bug in his Lexus. All the data I’ve analyzed from these recordings has turned up inconclusive, which points me to the hypothesis that the cameras he’s been filming me with must be located in his basement somewhere. Don’t you see? He has cameras that are so tiny even I can’t find them! I’ve torn my house apart looking for the cameras but I haven’t found shit! There must be some mounted into the drywall!”

“Ragshaw, I’m not going to help tear your house apart to look for some imaginary cameras if that’s what you called me here for.”

“I think you underestimate the severity of this situation Mrs. Sarafume. I haven’t been able to film every room in my neighbour’s house so I don’t know what sort of weaponry and torture devices this sick freak has in his arsenal. Furthermore, the fact that he keeps them hidden away from my surveillance is indicative of a bluff. I say we call it. Let’s Mrs. Sarafume. Together.”

“No. You should take those pills Dr. Rothstein prescribed for you. I think you might need them after all.”

“I fucking swear that asshole Rothstein is in on my neighbours plot against me too. He could never once look me in the eye, and I think I saw a box of some video tapes in his office one day. That scoundrel. Once I gather evidence that proves that the cunning espionage agent of a tenant next door is spying on me, I will release it into the grasp of the Federal Bureau of Investigation who will persecute him for his voyeurism and imprison that Rothstein bastard for being in on this scheme too. I’m glad I threw that elixir of his out the window. It probably would have killed me.”

“Those were to help you with your seizures Ragshaw! I think not taking them is starting to alter your brain function though. I can drive you to the pharmacy tonight if you would like some more. I know you lost your driver’s license.”

“Those people at the DMV were so mean to me.”

“I know Ragshaw, your mother told me about the incident.”

“Regardless, I can’t go anywhere tonight. I was planning to stake out my neighbour’s bedroom with the high definition Nikon you and Mr. Sarafume gave me for Christmas for at least six or seven hours tonight. Friday is usually the night when his girlfriend comes over and they spy on me together. They’re so fucking menacing.”

“Watch your language Ragshaw.”

“Watch your language Mrs. Sarafume!”

I’m going to the pharmacy to get you more of those methamphetamine crystals for you Ragshaw; I think you need to start taking those again. I still have your prescription. I’ll bring them back here by 8:00.”