Top 10 Dictators of All Time

Cracked.com can go eat a dick. If you are the kind of person who is amused by their easily digestible list-formatted articles then you probably have the attention span of a small rodent. Anyone with a high-school education is capable of devising such lists. It is also a socialist haven for angsty teens to churn out shit like this . It requires a miniscule amount of writing talent to list a bunch of arbitrary items and write facetious remarks about them. Most of the articles deal with trivial nonsense anyway like “ten ways your anal beads will give you more than you bargained for”.

Anyways, the following is a list of the top ten dictators of all time. They are chosen based on how they have led their respective nations to glorious triumph. I do not intent to include Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini, or Mao Zedong. That would be too cliché and obvious. In case you haven’t been able to tell, this entire post is a work of satire, so if you are offended by the things I have written, you can pick a number, get in line, and kiss my ass.

10. Augusto Pinochet

What do you get when you mix Francisco Franco, Milton Friedman, and George Lopez into one? Motherfucking Augusto Pinochet. Pinochet is an odd exception to the history books. There are many who consider him to be a ruthless dictator who plunged the nation of Chile into poverty, while others praise him for saving the nation from communists. Although he was undoubtedly a ruthless dictator, his economic policies lifted the nation of Chile out of a terrible recession and brought relative prosperity to the country. He was a member of the coup d’état which ousted the socialist government of Salvador Allende in 1973. Augusto was greatly influenced by free-market capitalist philosophy. Once he took power, he sought to implement his capitalist philosophy in the best way he thought possible—by slaughtering everyone who disagreed with him.

In 1975, Pinochet’s government conducted Operation Condor. Its main objective was to purge South America of all the socialist and communism scum. Over 60,000 deaths occurred as a result of Pinochet’s government and Operation Condor. Evidently, murdering communists can get a bit tiring after a while, so in 1990, Pinochet peacefully stepped down from office. The British government saw this as an opportunity to charge Pinochet for all those shenanigans he thought he could get away with. The British Government, in all their stoic arrogance were not aware of the fact that nobody fucks with Augusto Pinochet. So, in 2000 he moved back to Chile and lounged around on the beach with his amassed fortune of 29 million dollars until he died in 2006 at the petrified old age of 91.

9. Suharto

Pinochet’s communist body count is absolutely dwarfed when held up to the reign of Suharto. You really have to stand in awe at the carnage that occurred under his regime. Much like Cher, Madonna, or God, Suharto was obviously way too cool to have a second name. Cool, he definitely was. A Suharto by any other name would not sound nearly as sweet.

He wrestled power from the socialist government of Sukarno to become president of Indonesia in 1967. Suharto was likely pissed off because Sukarno’s name was too similar to his. Anyway, following his rise to power, Suharto and his government purged the entire country of all socialists and communists, dragging political party members out of their houses and shooting them in the street. No due process for those motherfuckers. The purges resulted in the deaths of over half a million communists, thus laying the groundwork for Suharto’s thirty-two year presidency.

The killings didn’t stop there however. Next on his sights was the defenceless speck of an island called East Timor. Indonesia invaded East Timor in 1974 and didn’t get tired and go back home until twenty years later. The invasion was marked with such violence and death that it could best be described as genocide. What is interesting about the East Timor genocide was its lack of publicity in American media. Despite the outright slaughter of the Timorese people, the American psyche is almost devoid of the whole incident or the aforementioned communist purges of 1967. They were probably all too busy watching the new season of Night Rider.

8. Muammar Gaddafi

His time in office may not be marked with the brutal violence of the two aforementioned dictators on this list, but what he lacks in bloodshed, Gaddafi makes up for it with pure batshit insanity. Have you ever been lounging around your harem; smoking your hookah and praising Allah when you get the sudden urge to kick all the Italians out of your nation? Well Gaddafi sure the fuck did. The Libyan dictator of over forty years was unfortunately murdered last year by savage barbarians; obviously ungrateful for the favour he had done his people.

Up until his violent ousting in 2011, Gaddafi claimed that the rebels had been hypnotized by potions given to them by foreigners. Like many great dictators whose greatness in misunderstood by the world around them, Gaddafi was prone to paranoid behaviour and idiosyncrasies. The former Libyan flag was a solid green field, He thought that Israel was responsible for the JFK assassination, and he travels with an entourage of female virgin bodyguards (although many such bodyguards have later claimed to have been sexually abused by the dictator). The list of nonsense goes on. However for dictator standards, Gaddafi was generally well liked.  Even after he had been murdered, Gaddafi still had a considerably loyal following and was known to travel through the streets of Tripoli in an open limousine. The Pope could sure learn a thing or two from the man.

7. Maximilien Robespierre

Apart from looking like a gremlin, Maximilien Robespierre was arguably one of the most psychopathic despots of the eighteenth century. Robespierre, although not technically a dictator in the traditional sense, was one of the lead figures in the French revolution in 1789 and thereby held an extraordinary amount of political influence. 

The aim of the revolution was to overthrow the current French monarchy, by which the French peasants felt they were being oppressed. It was influenced by many of the Enlightenment thinkers such as Jean Jacques Rousseau, who advocated liberty and basic human rights.  After the monarchy was overthrown in 1789 in a bloody revolution, Robespierre sought to implement these philosophical ideologies in the most appropriate manner possible—terrorism. I never read anything by Rousseau that advocated the political use of terror or gruesomely beheading your enemies, but apparently Robespierre had read The Social Contract a little more thoroughly than I had.

In 1793, Robespierre and the other members of the Revolution funded the Committee for Public Safety (which is not much different than the Department of Public Safety today). Its main objective was to gather up enemies of the Revolution and slice off their heads with the guillotine. It is estimated that over 40,000 people were executed by Robespierre’s orders simply because they didn’t hate the Monarchy enough. Hell, even Georges Danton, who was a member of the committee himself was guillotined because he had the audacity to propose that maybe they shouldn’t kill so many innocent people. Goddamn pacifists. After guillotining everyone he possibly could, it is rumoured that Robespierre even guillotined the executioner himself.

Evidently, the old saying is true: “what goes around comes around”. In 1794, the people had enough of Robespierre’s shit and he was guillotined himself. It never does pay to be a douchebag.

6. Sappurmurat Niyazov

Niyazov was one of those few dictators who was crazier than he was evil. He was the President of Turkmenistan from 1990 to 2006. After declaring independence from the Soviet Union in 1990, Mr. Niyazov promptly threw modesty to the dogs and established himself as Turkmenbashi: President for Life. Like all dictatorships run by illiterate, narcissistic fatsos, Turkmenistan was in for a wacky and hilarious sixteen years of totalitarian rule. Probably compensating for an astronomically microscopic penis, Niyazov developed a personality cult around himself that would make Stalin and Gaddafi look like the epitome of self-restraint. Giant golden statues of Sappurmurat line the streets of Ashgabat, Turkmenistan’s capital. One of them was even designed to always face the sun. 

The trademarks of Niyazov’s rule however, are his arbitrary edicts on banning things. He has gloriously declared that the following things are to be purged from his nation: gold crowns on teeth, makeup on women, dogs, chewing tobacco, and AIDS. Who knew that the spread of a deadly disease could be halted by the demand of a dictator who looked like an anthropomorphic lima bean?

Apparently Niyazov believed himself to be a great philosopher as well, writing a book called Ruhnama. During his reign, he forced all his subjects to read and memorize it. Nobody could obtain a driver’s license in Turkmenistan until they did. Although I’ve never had the privilege of reading it myself, I couldn’t imagine the self-praise of an illiterate man could really classify as profound philosophy. Niyazov unfortunately perished in 2006, leaving the world with a howling vacuum of comedic antics.

5. Idi Amin

Whether or not Idi Amin was a human or simply a shaven wookie is still being determined by modern scientists. What we do know is that After Uganda declared independence from Britain in 1970, Idi Amin was declared president of the nation. He retained this position for the eight years between 1971 and 1979. During these eight years, he somehow executed up to 500,000 political dissidents. Ambition sure goes a long way.

Prior to ruling Uganda with an iron fist, Amin was a heavyweight boxer, rugby player, and military lieutenant, neither of which are qualifying factors for the leader of a nation. He was known to be good friends with aforementioned Muammar Gaddafi, with whom he allied in his war against Tanzania. In 1977, Britain became disgruntled with Uganda’s domestic policy of slaughtering its own citizens and thus severed diplomatic ties with them. Idi Amin twisted this incident into an indication of personal success, claiming he had conquered the entire British Empire. Idi Amin was also known for his Anti-Semitism and his fanhood of the tyrannical state of Saudi Arabia.

4. Leopold II

As an employer, what do you think would be some methods which you could implement that would increase the efficiency of your employees? Giving them free coffee? Extending their break hours? Maybe a casual-dress Friday? Well, Leopold II of Belgium didn’t believe in any of that humanitarian bullshit. If you did not meet the quotas demanded by Leopold and his colonial goons, they would chop your hands off. That was sure to make you more productive!

During the colonial era of the nineteenth century, the ownership of Africa was carved up among the European nations. For instance, Britain got modern-day Uganda, South Africa, Egypt, and Zimbabwe, Italy got Libya, Ethiopia, and Eritrea, France got Algeria and Tunisia, while Belgium got the Congo. Although the country of Belgium was only a tenth of the size of the Congo, they were determined to exploit its mineral  resources to the maximum extent. The Congo (or the Congo Free State, as he renamed it) was rich in natural resources such as ivory and rubber. Just like the modern superpowers of today, King Leopold allocated much of the resources he owned to collecting these natural resources for his great nation. Adhering to the general philosophy of the time, Leopold thought that black people were inherently uncivilized and thus needed the guidance of the white man to point him in the direction of prosperity. At least, that’s what he told everyone. In reality, he ran the Congo as a brutal mercenary state and is thought to have massacred up to fifteen million Congolese. He also had a pretty cool beard.

3. Caligula

Why do all the modern dictators have to have all the fun? There is no doubt that the emperors of days past were just as psychotic and nutty as the ones we have today. Gaius “Caligula” Julius Caesar certainly stands testament to this fact. The Roman Empire saw its fair sure of inbred crazies rule the throne, especially during the so-called Pax Romana from27 BCE to 180 CE. In fact, when Rome came under the rule of Nerva in the year 96, he received the glorious title of the “first good emperor” simply for not being batshit crazy.

I believe that Caligula certainly stands head and shoulders above all the other bastards that Rome was unfortunate enough to have been ruled by. Nero, Elagabalus, and Commodus don’t even hold a candle to this guy. Caligula (whose name affectionately meant “little boots”) succeeded Tiberius to claim the throne in 37 CE. Tiberius was paranoid to the extent that Richard Nixon would seem like a Buddhist monk in comparison. When Tiberius died in 37 CE, the bar wasn’t set very high for Caligula.

From what we can tell, the first few years of Caligula’s reign were actually quite prosperous. He abolished all the random treason accusations that Tiberius had filed against people and gave out generous bonuses to the military. Everyone loved Caligula at first, for the simple fact that he was not Tiberius. However, in approximately 38, Caligula fell under the curse of some unknown illness from which he nearly died. However, he eventually recovered and subsequently plummeted Rome into a spiraling abyss of degeneration.

Caligula tried his hand at becoming a general, given his extensive military background, but all accounts of this tell he was a failure. He was known to send the military off to nonsensical campaigns, such as marching entire legions up to Germany to collect sea shells (or spoils of the sea, as he called them). There are some accounts that he had an incestuous relationship with his sister Drusilla and after her death, Caligula had her deified. He also had his horse made into a counsel and was reported to have been constantly drunk and over-sexed.

Like Sappurmurat Niyazov, Caligula also had a bit of a vanity complex. He thought he was a god and ordered all the heads on the statues of gods in Rome to be replaced with his own. One of the most lavish of his endeavours however, was when he ordered over a hundred ships to be tried together across the Bay of Naples and proceeded to cross them on horseback. He allocated so many resources to this feat that he drained the Roman treasury and the population of Rome suffered a famine. I can’t really blame him for this though. Modern leaders waste just as much money on nonsense like social security and Medicare, while these things aren’t even half as awesome as what Caligula did. Apparently the Praetorian Guard didn’t quite share my enthusiasm for Caligula’s antics, so they murdered him in the year 41.

2. Nicolai Ceausescu

With a shit-eating grin like that, you just know this guy is going to be a first-rate dick. Nicolai Ceausescu was the last communist dictator of Europe. He was the president of Romania from 1965 to 1989. Despite being a Communist, he ardently opposed his fellow reds in The Soviet Union after they invaded Czechoslovakia in 1966. The declaration of independence from The USSR granted Ceausescu and Romania positive recognition on the world stage. All the praise kind of went to his head because he developed an insane personality cult around himself. Ceausescu staged daily parades and ceremonies dedicated in his own honor in which millions of people were forced to attend.

It goes without saying that the media in Romania was extremely controlled. Unless you wanted a one-way ticket to one of Communist Romania’s most prestigious rehabilitation centers (AKA: getting your dick sliced off in prison), You did not dare vocalize your dissent of the government or of Ceausescu’s glorious administration.

That wasn’t the worst of crap he inflicted upon his people though. In 1966, Ceausescu decreed that abortion and birth control were now banned, thereby rustling the jimmies of polygamists and swingers nationwide. This was to have the effect that pretty much everyone reading this would think it would. The population of Romania exploded, sending child abandonment rates skyrocketing and orphanages bursting at the seams. Many of the negative effects of this moron’s policies are still felt in Romania today. The lesson to learn here is that abortion is awesome and should be available to all.

The Romanian people were so pissed off at Ceausescu that they lynched him and his wife in a bloody coup in 1989. To this day, he is the only dictator of a former soviet country to have been killed by his own subjects.

   1.  Pol Pot

In order to fully understand the regime of Saloth Sar (or Pol Pot as he is better known), it pays to learn just how he and his fellow clowns came into power. During the end of the Vietnam War, Richard Nixon thought that it would be a good idea to bomb the hell out of Cambodia. His argument was that there were VC’s hiding out in the Cambodian jungle and the only way to snuff them out was the paint the nation with a healthy coat of napalm. However, this was to prove disastrous for those non-combatants who had nothing to do with the war. Over 150, 000 innocent Cambodians were murdered during these bombings. As it turns out, Cambodians weren’t exactly pleased with what was going on, so many of them joined the CPK (Communist Part of Kampuchea) in retaliation. It was led by none other than Pol Pot. To this day, it seems that The USA still hasn’t learned that bombing innocent people in foreign countries doesn’t exactly win you the support of their population. Just ask pretty much every country in the middle east right now.

The CPK, fueled by the hatred of the US and the Cambodian government that in part facilitated their violent barbarism, overthrew the current government in 1970 and took power. As is the trend in communist countries, Cambodia was quickly transformed into an oppressive prison state. Pol Pot first abolished money, calling it a capitalist institution of “privilege and power”. Daily executions of random people were also the norm, many innocent civilians were bludgeoned to death, and others rotted away in prisons. Pol Pot transformed what was initially a peaceful agricultural land into a genocidal playground.

Like Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot was a proponent of systematic, racial purity. He thought that only the Khmer were the master race; everyone else was subhuman. He organized mass executions of Non-Khmer Cambodians and Vietnamese alike. Despite being taught at a French University during his youth, Pol Pot also had a dislike of smart people. He purged Cambodia of everyone he considered to be intellectuals: university professors, rich folk, and just plain old people with glasses. Any display of individualism was not looked upon kindly by the CPK. It was the ultimate peasant society. It was the epitome of Communism.

Pol Pot lived to old age and died in 1998. The slippery bastard was never tried or convicted of his crimes. 

Hillary Clinton is an Imbecile

Hillary Clinton probed into deeper levels of stupidity this week during a speech she gave to a conference in New York. She began the speech by talking about providing sustainable economic growth to developing nations. Following this up, Clinton incited a witch-hunt against the rich of those nations by calling for increased taxation.

“There are rich people everywhere and yet they do not contribute to the growth of their own countries... You know I’m out of American politics, but it is a fact that around the world the elites of every country are making money.”

It is ridiculous and unfounded thinking such as this that causes the economic stagnation in the countries that Clinton claims to care so much about. Regulations and taxing the wealthy is never the way to sustainable economic growth. One needs only to read a history book to see this. During the twentieth century, nations such as India and Soviet Russia had much lower standards of living compared to freer capitalist countries like Japan and the USA. It wasn’t until India and Russia began implementing more free-market policies did their economies grow. The very same can be said about developing nations today. Many of the poorest countries in Africa and Central America are also extremely corrupt and have very socialist governments.

Their economies will not grow by taxing their rich. In fact, this will have the complete opposite effect. Because the rich are the ones who generate a nation’s wealth, you effectively decrease their incentives to become more productive the higher they are taxed. It’s like curing a bacterial infection by throwing away all your antibiotics.

People like Hillary Clinton who get off on taxing the rich are only jealous of the financial success that these people have achieved. It also benefits Clinton to gain support from the other like-minded thieves whofeel they are entitled to another person’s property.  She obviously does not comprehend that in order for one to become wealthy, one must be a productive force in the economy—not just some greedy shill. It is truly disgraceful that people are actually taking the words of this dangerous lunatic seriously. 

Moonlight Prodigy

“No! No! No! No! No!” Israel Copperstein bellowed, as he snorted back another handful of mucus into his sinuses.

“That’s not how the piece is supposed to be played at all! Don’t you even practice? It goes C, C, D, A sharp, rest, G sharp, C, not C, C, D, A sharp, G sharp, rest, C! Once more from the top!”

Yu Ling’s fingers were sore from having played the same rendition of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for the past two hours. Her father had enlisted her in the most rigorous music academy in the entire state. She attended sessions daily from 6pm until 8. While she wasn’t practicing piano or at school, she was to be studying in order to optimize her academic prestige, as her father phrased it. From the writing to the piano playing, her fingers were perpetually engaged and sore. She always thought that she would develop carpel tunnel syndrome before her twentieth birthday and not have to write or play any more—though her father would likely make her play with her feet in that case. It was no surprise that she kept playing the piece wrong.

“No! No! A million times, NO!”

Copperstein was insufferable.

“Aren’t you capable of reading music? Do you need bloody glasses? It says to hold that F for two beats, you held it for two and a half. Once more from the top!”

Yu’s music teacher, Israel Copperstein was an immense sight for any mortal to behold. His musical genius was dwarfed by his grotesquely-shaped physique. A cascading fountain of human flesh poured like a pyroclastic flow down the waistline of his trousers. When Copperstein coughed, the skin on his neck rippled to cast the myriad of warts on his chin asunder, reminiscent of a lifeboat lost at sea and at the mercy of its tumultuous waves. Though he could play every classical composer from Beethoven to Tchaikovsky by memory, he was not suited as a teacher, much less to be associated with children. On the rare occasion that Yu impressed Copperstein with her playing, he would offer her a handful from a bowl of festering liquorice he kept in the corner of the practice hall. Suffice to say, it wasn’t much of positive reinforcement.

“So that ends the lesson for today Yu. You must practice more thoroughly for tomorrow! You don’t get any liquorice if you do not have the piece memorized.”

At that, Copperstein broke into a violent fit of coughing and wheezing until he regained his composure to pat Yu on her head and send her off home.

At dinner, that evening, Yu’s father stared at her with intense fervour. He ate his rice grudgingly as he eyed his daughter with the same expression one gives to a murder suspect who is on the verge of confessing.

“Mr. Copperstein says that you have not been practicing the piano!” He snapped to break the awkward tension.

“It’s not my fault father, my hands were sore.”

“Your hands were sore? That is a pathetic excuse Yu! You know that I pay for those lessons so you can become great prodigy! How dare you disrespect me and your ancestors by saying your hands are sore!”

“But father-"

“Don’t speak! You have lost the privilege. After you are done your rice, you must go to your room and practice more piano. You do not sleep until you have memorized!”

Yu’s father was a humourless pillar of old-world discipline. He and his wife, Yu’s mother, had emigrated from Korea while they were newlyweds in search of prosperity in America. Both of them had a boiling distain for communism as both had seen their glorious nation trampled by devastation during the Korean War. Yu’s parents always pressured their daughter into succeeding and achieving what they thought was the great American Dream. However, their pressure was tantamount to abuse, and when Yu did not live up to their expectations, her father beat her without restraint.

After supper, Yu’s father approached Yu’s room expecting to see her practicing. When he opened the door to her room, he saw Yu with her head resting on the keys of her baby grand piano. She had passed out. He removed his belt and promptly lashed her across the back.

“Awake! Now! You must practice! There is no time for resting.”

He slammed the door and stormed off, leaving Yu to drift right back into a duly needed sleep. The beatings hurt her, but the pain was bearable compared to the agony of staying awake and practicing. Yu actually loved playing piano, and she was considerably good at it. She just resented her father and that rotund ghoul of an instructor. Neither had shown Yu any congratulations for the progress she made. Yu was indeed one of the most proficient piano players in the whole state, but never had received any recognition for it—just beatings and bitter candies.

The next day at her lesson, Copperstein had come down with a nasty case of bronchitis, although he coughed and cleared his throat no more than Yu thought routine. His illness had made him even grumpier than usual. He scolded Yu for every minor mistake she made.

“Bah! That is wrong, all wrong! Why can’t you just play the music properly? Why do you have to keep making stuff up—just look at the sheet music!”

“But I wasn’t making anything up Mr. Copperstein.” Yu protested.

Copperstein grunted in disbelief.

“Well then, tell me what it was you just played. Because to me, it sounded like mezzo-forte! The sheet music clearly indicates that this piece must be played in mezzo-piano. Once more from the top!”

“Yes, Mr. Copperstein”

It is sufficient to say Yu did not receive any liquorice that day.

That evening, when Yu got home from her lesson, she found to her surprise her great uncle Tao eating dinner with her family. Apparently, she had lost the privilege of getting dinner as there were only three plates of rice set out this evening. Her father only did that when he was exceptionally cross with her.

“No dinner for you tonight Yu.” Her father exclaimed.

“I get phone call from Mr. Copperstein! He tell me you no practice. You are disgrace to your family. Say hello to great uncle Tao. Have you no manners?”

“Hello uncle Tao”

“Good evening Yu.”

Uncle Tao was a petrified old relic from the old country. He was a veteran of the Korean War and boasted constantly that he had killed over two hundred communists with his bare hands. He always joked that he was the reason way there was a demilitarized zone. The commies were scared of him, he claimed. Once he died the war apparently was to start back up again.

“Aren’t you going to serve your daughter a plate of rice?” asked Tao.

“She doesn’t get rice! Not after she disgraces her family by not practicing piano.”

Yu hung her head and walked up to the solitude of her bedroom. Just once it would be good to get some recognition for the work she put into her studies and her piano practice. Yu felt like she was lingering on a breaking point. Either she would snap, or somebody else would. Evidently, it was to be someone else.

When she entered the music academy for her daily piano lesson the next day, she was greeted by a young man with terrible posture. He had dirty blonde hair and a face enveloped in teenage-onset acne. It looked like a road map of Tennessee on his cheeks.

“Hi, you must be Yu Ling. I’m Derrick. Sorry, but Israel Copperstein won’t be teaching you anymore. He passed away last night.”

It was almost a shock to Yu as it was a relief. There would be no more wheezing, and coughing, and horrible liquorice.

“He died? How?”

Derrick scratched his face and looked down at the floor. He had a voice stereotypical of most teenagers with bad genetics. He had a mid-pitched squeal for a voice and stumbled over his sentences like a mad drunk running through an obstacle course in the dark.

“He didn’t so much pass away as he was murdered.”

“Murdered? By who?”

“By Hezbollah militants as it turns out. They fired a rocket into his apartment. I can’t say that I envy the paramedics who had to clean the body up. Apparently his lard and mucus coated all the walls and windows. They say he just burst like a ripe sack of ketchup.”

“Oh My.”

“Well I am going to be your piano teacher from now on. Where did you leave off?”

Yu led Derrick into the practice room and played for him the piece she had left off with—Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Although she made a few of the mistakes that Israel Copperstein had always scolded her for, Derrick didn’t seem to notice.

“Wow, that’s probably one of the best renditions of that piece I’ve ever heard! Israel must have been a great teacher to you.”

“He was okay.”

“Was he proud to have you as a student?”

“I guess so, he never said that though.”

Derrick stuck his nose in the air and winced at something.

“What the hell is that awful stench? It smells like lye and road-salt.”

“Oh that would be the liquorice that Mr. Copperstein gave me when I didn’t completely disappoint him.”

“You didn’t actually eat this shit did you?”

Derrick approached the porcelain bowl in the corner of the room. He reached in to pick up one of the liquorice. The humidity had evidently fused them all together because as he lifted his hand, the entire bowl lifted with him. Yu and Derrick burst out laughing.

Tao eyed Mr. Ling with silence.

“What is it? Why do you keep staring at me?

Tao had a long Confucius-like beard and he stroked it contemplatively as he spoke.

“Let me ask you a question. Do you ever beat Yu?”

Mr. Ling was taken back. He looked like a startled deer that had just seen the headlights of the car that was bearing down on him.

“Oh course I do. She needs encouragement to become great. She is very talented you know. She plays piano better than anyone I’ve ever heard. She needs motivation though. American Teenagers are so lazy.”

“Have you ever told her that?’

“Told her what?”

“That you think she’s talented. Every time I come over, you just insult her and treat her like a dog.”

Mr. Ling thought about what his uncle had said for a good few minutes before responding. In fact, there had not been a time that he could remember when he had praised his daughter for her achievements. It gave him a hollow, empty feeling. Tao stroked his beard again and watched the dismayed Mr. Ling process his emotions.

Yu walked in the front door and greeted them both.

“Enough talking Yu! Go up and practice more!”

At practice the next day, Yu kept glancing at Derrick out of the corner of her eye. There was a sense of urgency in the expression on her face.

“Is everything okay Yu?” Derrick asked, puzzled.

“Uh, can I tell you something?”

“Yeah I guess. What is it?”

“The reason, I’m so good at playing piano is because my father. He gets very angry when I don’t live up to his expectations. Sometimes, he even, uh, whips me with his belt.”

Given Derrick’s relatively young age and lack of sufficient life experience, he was unable to process awkward situations such as these. His forehead started to perpetrate and his voice shifted between octaves.

“That’s a problem Yu.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“Look, I live in my mother’s basement. If you want to come stay with me for a while that’s okay. You seem like a nice girl. As for your father, we should really call Child Protective Services.”

Yu was glad that she had finally met someone who not only appreciated her talent, but also cared about her well-being. He may have been a lanky, socially inept teenager, but Yu was not going to discriminate.

Derrick opened the door to his mother’s basement and flipped on the light. The room was decorated with posters of bullshit rock bands and pictures of half-nude women. It smelt like humidity and rich soil.

“This is my room. You can stay here for the time being. I’m sure my mom won’t mind.”

“I’m really grateful for this Derrick.”

“Don’t mention it. Any good person would do this. I wouldn’t want you to go back living with that abusive father of yours.”

Derrick’s mother called out from upstairs.

“Derrick honey, would you and your little friend like Tacos or Pizza for dinner tonight?”

“Pizza, Ma!” Squealed the pimply faced teen.

“Say, Yu. May I hear you play that Beethoven piece again?”

Yu approached the electric piano in the corner of Derrick’s room and started playing. She played without restraint. Her fingers didn’t hurt and she didn’t have to fear being scolded or beaten for making a mistake. There was no snorting, grunting, or wheezing to distract her. This was how she always wanted to play the piano—peacefully, with the appreciation of others. Derrick leaned back in his water bed and listened. It was indeed some of the most beautiful piano playing he had ever heard.

That evening, Mr. Ling received a phone call from Child Protective Services. He was under investigation for child abuse and neglect. He had a court appearance and the tone of the CPS agent made him feel very ashamed of himself. For Mr. Ling, the American dream had ended there and then. He had the best of intents for his daughter, but now he was being treated no better than the communist scum he had sworn to perpetually despise.

Mr. Ling turned on his stereo and put on his favourite Beethoven piece, Moonlight Sonata. He reached into his drawer and retrieved his ceremonial tanto. There was only one option left for him—to commit seppuku. If he was to die, he would die with glory and ascent to the great hall of his ancestors. Yu didn’t need him anymore. There would be no dishonour from Child Protective Services for him.

As Mr. Ling watched his intestines spilling out of his bowels, the very last sentiment to enter his mind was pride, not for himself, or his uncle, or his country, but for his daughter. She had brought their family great honour.

On Barack Obama and Mitt Romney

With the upcoming presidential election in the United States, there has been no shortage of media coverage on the campaigns of the two candidates. In case you have been living in an isolation chamber these past few months, Mitt Romney is the candidate for the Republican Party and Barack Obama for the Democratic Party. Both these individuals thus far have demonstrated a healthy vigour in their ascent to the grand status of ruler of the free world. For me, however, the events of this election could be of no less interest than the nutritional value of broiled hedgehog feces. Both Obama and Romney are horrific politicians who convey no positive moral stances or platforms of note. Neither of them are fit for the presidency or for any political office higher than a mailroom janitor.

Obama, on the one hand is the revered and supposedly infallible crusader for world peace and the middle class. Nothing could be further from the truth. All Obama has in his favour is an eloquent persona. The man is articulate and has the ability to give a speech without stumbling over his words. Perhaps he would be better suited as an actor than a politician. For this reason in particular, Barack Obama has become somewhat of a celebrity in the United States. The average person in the US doesn’t care, nor do they know anything about politics, so to them Obama is nothing but a well-spoken leader who reminds them of Morgan Freeman.

The policies of Obama tell a tale, not of glorious middle-class salvation, but of corrupt authoritarian statism. Over the course of the four years in his first term, Obama has not only broken many of his first campaign promises, but has enforced many policies that could be seen as not just out of character, but downright immoral.  First of all, Obama appointed Michael Taylor to the FDA. Taylor was a former executive of Monsanto. In case you didn’t know, Monsanto is the corporation responsible for producing Agent Orange, a chemical biotoxin that was used in the Vietnam War. Agent Orange is responsible for the agricultural devastation and genetic defects that have remained in Vietnam and the surrounding areas after the war’s end. Obama signed the NDAA which effectively allows for the detention of US civilians without the right to a trial. Initially, he claimed to have opposed the bill, but for reasons known only to himself, saw fit to sign the fucker anyway. Apparently you can trust President Obama almost as much as you can trust Bernie Madoff (which really isn’t that much). Barack Obama also vetoed the keystone XL oil pipeline which would have created thousands of jobs and have provided the economic breath of life that Obama supposedly promised during his campaign. Anybody who caves so easily to leftist hippy goons doesn't have the conviction or the balls to be a president. If Obama’s supporters were made aware of these facts, it is doubtful that they would still vote for him.

Most disturbing of all however are the foreign policies that were enacted during the Obama administration. More specifically, Obama authorized unmanned drone strikes in a secret war in Yemen. These strikes were responsible for over thirteen civilian deaths thus far. Some of which were children. The article is linked below.  It is certainly not characteristic of a Nobel Peace prize incumbent to bomb unarmed civilians in drone strikes. This seems eerily familiar to the policies enacted against Cambodia in the 70's by Richard Nixon. This had horrific consequences and eventually led to the rise of reactionary groups like the Khmer Rouge. Who knew that bombing innocent people doesn't  make you very many friends? 

http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/03/world/meast/yemen-drone-strike/index.html

Obama’s opponent, Mitt Romney is really no better of an alternative. He is at best what could be described as a jester. The man holds no opinions, beliefs, and makes no promises in his campaigns. I believe many of his supporters see him as a blank slate on which they can imprint their favourite alternative to an Obama presidency. The man will say one thing one day and not hesitate to contradict himself the next. He will say anything to get himself elected. There is so much commotion in the media made about his tax returns. I don’t feel as though this is a reasonable objection to Romney, considering he is already an imbecile in every other respect. That is like criticizing Hitler for his bad artwork. Romney’s tax returns are irrelevant. Mitt Romney is crazy enough as it is. His unwillingness to debate with contrary opinions and his avoidance of difficult questions should stand testimony to this fact. Such qualities are not to be possessed by the president of the United States, especially considering he will be useless as a diplomat of any sort. He is a dangerous sociopathic shill who should not be viewed as the lesser evil to Obama.

From gun-control policy, to abortion, to social security reform, the following video is proof that Mitt Romney is never to be taken by his word.

To add insult to an already fatal injury, it seems as though Romney will go to absurd lengths to get as much support as possible. He was recently accused of dying his face brown in order to appeal to the Latin-American demographic. You can be the judge of whether he has done this or not. http://gawker.com/5944931/mitt-romney-dyed-his-face-brown-to-appeal-to-latino-voters

Because I am Canadian, I will obviously not be voting in this election. However, if I was, I would vote for Gary Johnson. Mr. Johnson stands for many of the principles of freedom and justice that I share and he appears to be a much more reasonable and intelligent man than Romney or Obama. I fully endorse him and his policies. Because, many Americans refuse to vote for a third party candidate, it is an unfortunate fact that he has little chance of winning the presidency. This is a sad flaw in the electorate system. If voters constantly elect who they believe to be the lesser of two evils, nothing will ever change.

As you may be able to conclude, I am no fan of President Obama. However, I do believe he is likely to win this upcoming election. It is shown in the polls that he has a notable lead. Those who are in power will typically employ any methods at their disposal to ensure that they maintain their power. Obama is no exception to this tragic rule.

Why I am an Atheist

Religious affiliation is a huge way in which people define themselves. Religious adherents are always eager to espouse their own faith and creed to others. The proud fashion in which the pious advertise their beliefs is what I believe to be a remnant of our prehistoric tribal past. This helps them to identify with other members of the same faith and thereby form a bond with them. This is likely why religion has been shown to be such an efficient means of controlling people. Those in power typically use faith as a justification for others to obey them. At times through history, this obedience has been used to commit acts of atrocity and evil. If you can convince a man that he must obey you for the good of the herd or for the will of some all-supreme being, then you have effectively enslaved him. Not all religious people may consciously feel that they are enslaved, but by accepting the doctrine and authority of a religion, they are absolutely (or partially) surrendering their will to think to others.

I view the acceptance of religious doctrine a lot like ordering at a fast-food restaurant. You are effectively ordering a combo of pre-established ideas in the same way that one would order a combo of food. For instance, when you purchase the Family Dinner Box at KFC, the meal includes two pieces of chicken, a chicken sandwich, two pieces of mini chicken breast, a wrap, French fries, coleslaw, and a potato and macaroni salad. When you adhere to the religion of Catholicism, you receive your own standard issue set of beliefs much in the same fashion as receiving an assortment of soggy poultry bits. The combo pack beliefs of Catholicism include the opposition to a woman’s right to choose, to homosexuality, to stem-cell research, the belief in transubstantiation, the absolution of sin through confession, and the divinity of Mary. Just like you may not negotiate how much chicken you can receive in your Family Dinner Box, you are forbidden to disagree with the doctrines of Catholic ideology if you choose to be a member of that religion. Don’t question the rules! The Pope and Colonel Sanders are equally infallible.

I believe that one’s spiritual beliefs should never be accepted as the doctrine of any organisation or institution. People should also never accept their political or cultural views in this way. Instead, they should be acquired based on your individual morals and values. If you claim to be a conservative, it is not necessary to adhere to every single conservative ideology. You must justify for yourself what you believe based on your own intrapersonal contemplation and rational ability. 

There is no empirical evidence whatsoever to assume that a god or any mystical being exists. Therefore, I see no more reason to believe in Zoroastrianism or Voodoo than I do Catholicism.

Atheism is the philosophical default on religious ideology. It is merely the lack of a belief in a deity and entails absolutely nothing else. Atheism is not a pre-established set of beliefs and philosophical ideas. Atheists vary greatly in terms of political ideology, nationality, aesthetic tastes, fashion, moral beliefs, and culture. Atheism is the declaration that you refuse to accept your philosophical beliefs in the same way that you purchase chicken. It is a sad reflection on an individual’s mind if he/she chooses to accept the theological premises of our knuckle-dragging past. My unwillingness to submit to such dangerous doctrines is why I am an atheist. 

New Tasmanian Smoking law

There is no doubt that Tobacco smoking is harmful to your health. Since the 1950s, there have been conclusive studies that link smoking to several fatal diseases such as lung cancer, mouth cancer, kidney cancer, emphysema, cataracts, strokes, and many others. On the television, on print advertisements, as well as on cigarette packs themselves, there are warnings about the fatal risk that smokers take when they light up. As true as these warnings may be, are they really necessary considering all the knowledge our society has about the risk of these diseases? Only a moron in this day and age is unaware of the fundamental consequences of cigarette smoking. Furthermore, why is the attitude towards smokers (at least in North America) so negative? If someone wants to smoke and endanger their health, it is an individual choice they have made and one only they must take responsibility for. We have every right as consumers to choose whether or not to start smoking. Tobacco is not the only harmful product that is available for purchase by far. Alcohol, foods high in saturated fats, and even candy are all harmful to the health and some of which have been shown to foster dependence and addiction in a similar manner as tobacco. Therefore, it is very hypocritical to insult someone for smoking a cigarette while you guzzle down a thirty-ounce Coca-cola. There are not nearly as many warnings and advertisements against alcohol or hamburgers, so it is unreasonable that there should be so many against tobacco.

Tobacco advertising is one of the most regulated forms of marketing in North America. In 1988, the Canadian government banned all forms of tobacco advertisements and ruled that tobacco corporations must place warning labels on all their products. In 2008, retailers are no longer allowed to display tobacco products in their stores and must be kept under the counter. The ability to smoke in restaurants and workplaces is also prohibited in Canada.

These laws are absolutely ridiculous. They only enforce the notion that man is not responsible for his own actions and must rely on government regulations to save him from the danger of his own decisions. The restaurant smoking ban is particularly unethical. It should be the decision of the individual business owner regarding whether or not people may smoke inside his establishment. Those who wish to eat and drink in a smoke-free environment are free to go elsewhere. Just as the individual should be at liberty to smoke a cigarette if he/she pleases, bar and tavern owners should be at liberty to choose whether or not their patrons may smoke in their establishment. Why should the government tell people how to run their businesses and their lives?

The law prohibiting tobacco companies from advertising is equally asinine. The government assumes that people who are subjected to any advertisement are under a helpless spell which forces them to buy whichever product or service is being advertised. Of course this is not the case. People must learn to think critically about what they see in the media and on commercials instead of absorbing all information like mindless consumer zombies. Rational, self-sufficient men know how to perceive what they are being advertised and do not need government regulations to shield them from the dangers of tobacco. Most people are perfectly able to pass judgment on a commercial without the nanny state having to filter the content of commercials based on the safety of the product. Anyone who starts smoking for the sole reason that a print ad in the magazine told them to is likely a highly-suggestible personal anyways and is likely prone to similar moronic tendencies with or without government regulations.

 Most disturbing however is a recent law that has been proposed in the Australian state of Tasmania. The article which describes the bill in detail is posted in a link below. In a nutshell, the bill gradually seeks to raise the age at which one may purchase tobacco products until eventually smoking would be banned for everyone outright. The goal of the bill is to prevent children from starting smoking. Children however, are similarly capable of making decision for themselves based on their own rational faculties. Not every child starts smoking. In fact, smoking rates have nearly halved in the past three decades according to a study done by the World Health Organisation 2002.

 http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/national/tobacco-ban-backed-for-next-generation/story-fndo471r-1226471374394

Such displays of complete batshit as the one in Tasmania are a result of the prevalent socialist and statist philosophies of our culture. No demographic of individuals, regardless of their size or political influence has a moral right to vote away the rights of others. If you don’t like smoking, that’s fine. Don’t smoke. Only a tyrant and a bully would seek to take away someone else’s right to smoke if they so please.

Obviously these people have not learned from past instances of prohibition. When something is prohibited for which there is a demand, a black market will be created. A ban on tobacco outright will not get rid of smoking; it will just turn smokers into criminals, which further entails an entirely new set of problems for that society. Just look at alcohol prohibition in the twenties. It is utterly sad how people refuse to learn from past mistakes.

The anti-tobacco lobby in Canada, Australia, and the United States has grown so over-bloated and conceited that they will not be satisfied until tobacco has been outlawed completely. People must always be mindful of the risks that smoking entails, but that should never mean taking away other people’s right to do so.