Napoleon Bonaparte: So George I hear your country needs my assistance with your military campaigns?
George W. Bush: Yes Napoleon, come in and sit down. I’ve just had the oval office reupholstered with the taxpayer’s money. They think it’s gone to fund our drinking water purification initiative, but nobody will be the wiser. In my hands I carry the most flawless battle strategies ever devised by man. I plan to carry them out on our new campaigns in the middle-east.
Napoleon: Ah, so you’re finally going to quell those miscreants in Israel are you?
George Bush: Better yet—we’re going to invade Iraq!
Napoleon: Wait, what? That shithole? Why?
George Bush: Hey, hear me out alright? I was up until 3 in the morning configuring the fine-tuned aspects of this most genius plan of mine.
Napoleon: Okay George, what are you doing in Iraq?
George Bush: Well first, we’re going to run bombing raids over Baghdad in order to establish a good resistance to our occupation. You know; we don’t want this to be too easy now.
Napoleon: Okay...then what?
George Bush: Then we siphon their oil supply and subvert all the profits back to the United States!
Napoleon: That sounds incredibly malicious and unethical George, even for a war. I’m not sure I want any part in this.
George Bush: Wait! It gets even better. While we loot their natural resources, we’ll train a few of the local police under the guise that we’re there to promote peace and stability.
Napoleon: George, I really don’t see why any of this is necessa...
George Bush: Hold on, I’m not done yet. Next, we’ll blow up some of our own troops—you know, to make sure our guns work properly. Then we turn them onto the civilian populace. I’m talking complete devastation here Napoleon; photographs upon photographs of US soldiers posing with their bullet-ridden corpses, mosques and coffee house gutted and burned to the ground. We’ll patrol the streets everyday to instil fear into the hearts of the Iraqi people! Ha-ha! That will show them the almighty power of the United States of America!
Napoleon: Wait, you’re going to patrol your armies down the streets of an enemy country? That doesn’t sound wise. Didn’t you guys learn your lesson in Vietnam that that’s no way to fight a war? Even if they lack the manpower to fight you back, your unwelcome presence there could rouse suicide bombers and insurgencies.
George Bush: We’ll keep our fingers crossed and hope that doesn’t happen. Anyways, I’ve considered that this Incursion is going to make me extremely unpopular with my electorates back home, so here’s what I’m going to do: I’ll hire one of my black henchman to run for office under the false premise that he will end the war, but once he gets elected, I’ll be free to keep the war going for another four years after both my terms are up.
Napoleon: I’m sorry George, but this plan of yours is convoluted and fucking nonsensical. I will have no part in it. How long do you expect to keep this facade going on for?
George Bush: I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Maybe ten or fifteen years—twenty if the American people are stupid enough to elect my black henchman for another term thereafter.
Napoleon: Goddamn! I conquered Egypt in fucking 5 days! I defeated the entire Prussian army and became Emperor of France and you can’t defeat some lowly peasants armed with nailbombs?! Fuck, people in the twenty-first century are fucking stupid as hell. I’m going back to being dead now. Bye.
