“John? Yes? Hello it’s your landlord.”
“What? What do you want this time?”
“Well, your monthly apartment inspection is today. May I just take a quick look at the apartment please?”
“Um, yeah I guess so, now’s not really a great time. I’ve been in middle of some stuff but yeah, come on in.”
“Okay, first let me check the bedroom.”
“Alright then, as you can see, it’s in pretty pristine condition, I’m very adamant about that. Just please ignore all those blood stains on the bed and computer, I assure you they are contained on my property only; not a drop touched this beautiful shag carpet. I went to great lengths to ensure no blood would ever damage this property.”
“Jesus Christ John, this is highly disturbing-- even among my tenants. I’ll just pretend I never saw this. Let’s just move on to the kitchen please.”
“Very well Mary. Its Mary isn’t it?”
“Joan.”
“Oh well okay Ms. Joan, as you inspect the kitchen please just ignore those two people engaged in sexual intercourse in the corner there and the women tied up in bondage duct-taped to the ceiling. They are among my company-- I assure they are NOT being held against their will in any way.”
“My stars John! What is the meaning of all this?”
“My apologizes are most sincere Ms. Joan, the duct-tape will not tear the paint off the ceiling if it is peeled off within 4 hours of application. My estimate is that she has not been up there longer than 40-45 minutes tops."
“Are you sure about this John?”
“Positive, I do it all the time.”
“Alright then, that should be enough for today. Please continue to abide by the rules of the building and report any problems to me or my husband...”
“So you don’t need to see the bathroom? I could show you my meat hook collection!”
“No thanks John, maybe next time though.”
“Okay, bye Mrs. Joan.”
“Bye John.”
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