Ruckus

Distinguished Ontario Provincial Police Officer Rex Kaiser Von Grande and his esteemed Deputy Lilith sat idly inside the James Street cafe, replenishing their caffeine levels after a long day of tazing homeless folks and killing innocent people’s highs.

Lilith: Why is it, I’m just wondering, that the only thing we ever eat while we’re on duty are donuts?

Officer Rex paused contemplatively and held up a chocolate glazed donut for his naive partner to behold.

Rex: You see Lilith, a donut is round, as is justice. As upholders of the law, we must eat of the foods of justice and to stand both as actual and metaphorical examples of objective law to our fellows.

Lilith: I don’t quite think I understand Rex, please elaborate further.

Rex: You see Lilith, as a child in public school; I was routinely teased and ridiculed by my classmates. The bullies tormented my experience of the education system, and subsequently I believe that my learning may have adversely been affected-- though that is neither here nor there. My teachers did nothing to stop them from beating me, or from spitting on me, or from throwing sloth and pheasant feces at me during recess. Alone and physically defenceless, I was consoled solely by the fact that one day all my tormenters would be brought to justice!

Now that at last we are not governed by teachers, but by objective law and police enforcement, I am free to dole out justice as I see fit, ergo, the hand of justice has gone full circle, just like this donut! That southing karma I get when I smash my baton off some crackhead’s skull is a constant reminder of why I became a police officer.

Lilith: I see Rex, You are indeed very wise.

Just then, a transmission came over the police radio:

<<We’re getting reports of a Man walking around Bay and Canon Street without a shirt on, possibly intoxicated on marijuana.>>

Rex: Let us be off Lilith! We have justice to appropriate!

The two police officers came upon a dingy looking fellow in his mid 20s, wearing cargo pants, roaming about in an alleyway. Upon hearing the pigs call out to him, he dashed towards them and grasped the female officer’s hand in peril.

Man: Thank the heavens that you guys came in time! I was being chased by sabre-toothed tigers, so I hid in this alleyway. You have to hide me! It’s only a matter of time before they regroup and sleuth us out here!

Lilith: Calm down, what is your name?

Man: My name is Ronald K. Ruckus the Third my lady, my father being the second and my grandfather the first. I descend from a long lineage of ruckus.

Lilith: What a clever alliteration, now what by chance is your real name?

Ronald: I have given you my honest name! Whether you choose to believe that or not is your problem.

Rex: That’s enough of your antics son, let us see some ID!

Ronald: Is not my mere presence proof of my identification? You can plainly see who I am, and under future circumstances under which you require to pick my person out of a line-up or crowd, you should have little difficulty in identifying me.

Rex: So you have no birth certificate? No driver’s license? No health card? Lilith, search his person, I smell us a dope fiend!

Lilith patted the man down, though his pockets were emptier than those of Europe’s pigs, and a good long look into his scleras proved that Ronald was in fact as sober as a Minor Threat-era Ian Mackay. The two officers cuffed Ronald and brought him into the police station for questioning. After taking his fingerprints and giving him no more than 3 cavity searches, they walked him into a small room with a white plastic table and two chairs, at one of which officer Rex forcibly sat him down to continue with their sordid affairs.

Rex: Where do you live?

Ronald: I live in an alternate dimension. Although nearly parallel to this one, everything is exactly 9 seconds behind. I don’t recommend that you ever go there with me, as the missing time could interfere with your bodily clock.

Rex smashed his fist against the table and raised his voice.

Rex: Fuck it son! I am in no mood for your absurdities! You tell me your name and the address of your house, or I shall have you locked away indefinitely for the obstruction of justice!

Ronald: Your implication that my place of residence is in fact a house would be incorrect, as I live in a giant psilocybin toadstool officer, along with my 16 brothers and sisters. No Ruckus is an island.

With his hand buried in his palm and a seething rage boiling over in his heart, Rex raised his voice further, adding a hint of what one may have construed as desperation. He knew that he could not legally detain this agent of lunacy for longer than the statute of limitations decrees, and at risk of being emasculated by some insolent little shit, he snatched the man up out of his seat by the collar.

Rex: Who the hell do you think you are, not to carry any ID on you? You cannot mess with the law like this!

Ronald: I have done nothing to cross your laws. Furthermore, any man who identifies himself solely by the inscriptions on those tiny rectangular slices of plastic is certainly of questionable honour. The essence of my word ought to be far more credible than what I keep in my pants.

Just then, Rex loosened his grip of Ronald’s collar and lowered him back into the chair.

Rex: Get out of here now! I don’t ever want to see you again, and if I do, I won’t hesitate to prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law. I have no time to deal with your bullshit any more kid, you’ll have to go jerk off your ego off someplace else.

Lilith: Rex! You’re just letting him go? What about the full circle of justice?

Rex: Lilith, it should seem evident that the full circle of justice need not apply to those who adhere to no leaders.

Now bring me some more donuts bitch!